i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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