i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
