My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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