U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dick very happy bro
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
