Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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