he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
