I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
