so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
