I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
