11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
