you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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