My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
