I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
