My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
