I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
