if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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