I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
