I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
