The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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