I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
