just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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