Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
