if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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