Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
