i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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