i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
