I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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