turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
