Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
