the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
