It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
