to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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