the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
