I'm sorry my penis didn't work
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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