It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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