Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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