Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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