Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize