I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
