i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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