he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
