I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
