Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
