fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize