Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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