If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
