So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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