the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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