How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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