I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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