I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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