I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
