He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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