I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
