genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Houston, we have a blender
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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