Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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