Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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